I feel nervous and out of balance right now…I spent the evening with some of my extended family and this triggered a lot of negative feelings and emotions due to the abuse. Mr. K and I have seriously discussed the option of moving…like at least half-way across the country from where we are now….Some days I feel absolutely healthy, healed, and happy…THEN I interact with family and off I go. Alright, I’ll just tell you that I could kind of go screaming in the streets right now…
Have I mentioned my “pieces” yet? Yes, I call them the “We of Me”–( I stole that phrase from Carson McCuller’s “A Member of the Wedding”.) Anyway there’s one Me, and then eight other “frozen” pieces which make up the We. My wonderful therapist explained to me that this is pretty normal considering my childhood experience, and not to freak out and think I’m turning into Sybil or anything. With Sybil her “personalities” actually took over and started speaking and leading her life; my pieces are “parts” of me frozen at different ages and they kind of “step out”, and I can picture them in my mind. But they are very distinct–they each have a name, personality, and a definite bone to pick–either with me or, each other. Now THAT’S a real trip when they all go off at once!!! I try to have a good attitude about all this, but the reality of it all can be very overwhelming….
As I’ve started Round 2 of my healing, my sleep is when the “girls” have started the “dumping” process, and it’s been one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I’ll be in a deep sleep, then suddenly I’m wide awake and the episode will start, and I’m re-experiencing hell in a very up-close and personal way. I understand that my pieces wouldn’t be handing all this off to me if I weren’t ready, but this is the part that NOBODY can EVEN COMPREHEND unless abuse or severe trauma has been a part of their lives. To be honest, I’m thinking tonight might be a little intense unless I can touch base with whoever is upset and talk them down off the ledge….
So…tonight is nervous, upset, irritated, anxious, worried, ok–scared, angry, sad, and any other negative emotion that is applicable. BUT–I KNOW THESE FEELINGS WILL PASS!!! Yes, I’ll have to deal with them before they dissipate, but they will NOT last forever…just long enough for me to honor them, and validate whoever is holding onto them.
BUT…this is the part I MUST NOT forget– On my own, I think I can survive. HOWEVER, if I get on my knees, pray, and humbly petition my Heavenly Father for help, in the dark of tonight His hand will be there when I need Him and with my hand in His I know I will survive. And THAT is wonderful, good, comforting, happy, blessed, loving, rejuvenating, forever and ETERNAL! And so am I! And so are they! And so are THE WE OF ME!!!
The Survival Scripture of the Day is:
Suffer the little Children, to come unto me and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God….And He took them up in his arms, put his hands on them, and blessed them. –Mark 10: 14,16
Yes, today I can keep going…
The Faith to Survive 